


If only I could find the answer (to take it all away)

by darkxxdesires



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, and then during the infamous list scene, canonverse, hope you like it, i just couldn't get it out of my head lol, i wrote this before 4x04 came out but was feeling meh about it so i didn't post it, it's basically what I think happened in the drive back to Arkadia, set in 4x03, until now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 13:53:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9901205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkxxdesires/pseuds/darkxxdesires
Summary: "Well, I guess I'll have to make that list after all." Clarke sighed.She was staring off into the sky, thinking about how beautiful the stars looked from the ark, and how much easier things were back then. There were probably as many stars in her line of sight as the people she had killed... Clarke never once thought she'd be in this position, having already taken so many lives to protect her people, only to now have to choose between them and basically signing 400 death sentences. But look at her now."Well, I won't be on it." Every time he said that, it caused a pang in her chest.-Or the one where Clarke is tired of Bellamy's self-sacrificing tendencies and sorta shouts that to his face. Followed by The List scene.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song Save you by Simple Plan.

**Clarke's POV**

 

"I guess I'll have to make that list after all." Clarke sighed.

 

She was staring off into the sky, thinking about how beautiful the stars looked from the ark, and how much easier things were back then. There were probably as many stars in her line of sight as the people she had killed... Clarke never once thought she'd be in this position, having already taken so many lives to protect her people, only to now have to choose between them and basically signing 400 death sentences. But look at her now.

 

"Well, I won't be on it." Every time he said that, it caused a pang in her chest.

 

"Bellamy. We've been over this. You're on that list. End of discussion." She'll be damned if she's letting him sacrifice himself.

 

He stole a glance at her before focusing back on the bumpy road ahead. "Even if you write my name down, I still won't go inside."

 

"Damn it, Bellamy, I need you! I _need_ you to be inside!" She was vaguely aware of Jaha stirring in the backseat, awoken by Clarke's outburst.

 

Bellamy stared at her for a moment before abruptly stoping the rover. "Time to stop for a bit." He announced, more for Jaha's sake. "Clarke, can I talk to you outside?"

 

"Sure." She already knew what was coming.

 

* * *

 

 

**Bellamy's POV**

 

They made their way towards the trees, not too far away from the rover's headlights but far enough to have some privacy.

 

"You don't plan on being on that list, do you?" He didn't even want to believe it was true. But in all honesty, he should've seen it coming. She's just like him, full of guilt and self-loathing for the hard choices she's had to make. "You're going to sacrifice yourself."

 

Her silence was answer enough.

 

"No way, Clarke. You keep saying I'll be on that list and yet you have no intention of writing your own name down? Where's the logic in that?"

 

"Bellamy, I know our people will be safe with you and my medical skills can easily be replaced by my mom and Jackson. They don't need me anymore. I don't deserve to be on that list."

 

"Clarke, you have sacrificed so much to save them. If anyone deserves to be inside it's you." She looked away, not believing a word he'd said. "And you're wrong, they do still need you." _I need you._

 

"I'm not done with this subject yet, but we should really get going if we want to make it there before lunchtime."

 

* * *

 

 

**Clarke's POV**

 

"Bellamy, you spent all night driving. You need to rest."

 

"I'm lying down, that's resting." Bellamy said, stifling a yawn. Clarke scoffed. "You don't have to do this alone." She smiled at him in appreciation.

 

That smile quickly faded when she stared at the blank paper, a feeling of dread settling over her. How could she do this? Who was she to do this? To decide which of her people get to live and which get to die? She let out a deep sigh. "Do you remember when I told you we don't get to decide who lives and who dies? Look at us now..."

 

"Yeah. And we thought things were tough back then..." His voice managed to sound deeper, if that was even possible. This was hard on him, too. No matter how much good he did, all he could see was the bad. She wished there was a way to get him to see how many people he has saved, but all he could focus on were the ones he killed. He blamed himself for the situation they were in. Logically, they should've gotten that hydrogenerator. But honestly, this plan would only save the sky people and she was determined to find a solution that saved everyone. It was a hard choice, and Clarke new all about that. Bellamy made the best decision he could've made in that situation, under all that pressure. Like he said, they would save who they could save that day.

 

"Clarke? The only way you're writing my name down is if you write yours, too." Bellamy's mouth was set. Clarke knew there was no changing his mind on this subject, she'd been trying for a while now. She'd call this a compromise.

 

Clarke faced the paper, forcing her emotions aside, and wrote the first name down. "Seems logical to start with Raven." Bellamy expressed his approval and they kept bouncing names between each other.

 

"Next is... Jaha?"

 

Silence. Clarke looked up at Bellamy. He was fast asleep, his left leg slightly bent and his hand moving up and down with the soft movement of his breathing. It's rare that she gets to see him looking so peaceful, there was always something worrying when he was awake. She appreciated his help and support but was glad exhaustion finally won over his stubbornness, he really needed the rest. She'd finish the list on her own.

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke stared at the last two spots, 99 and 100. She looked up at Bellamy again. She wanted nothing more than to put the list aside— all of these impossible decisions— and cuddle up next to him, maybe then she could have one night of peaceful sleep. Without a moment of hesitation, Clarke writes down the 99th name, Bellamy Blake.

 

She stared at the 100th spot, it was supposed to be for her... The only way Bellamy accepted to be on that list was if her name was on it, too. She'd promised him. Clarke doesn't want to leave Bellamy again, especially since the last time left him so broken, but she has to. Bellamy is strong, he'll get through it and she trusts him with her life, their people will be safe with him to guide them. If she had to die at least she'd die knowing that Bellamy would be able to live a safe and hopefully happy life. He deserved it. Clarke, on the other hand, didn't. Not when that was essentially signing someone else's death sentence— someone who didn't have so much blood on their hands like she did.

 

She dropped her head into her hand, sighing in frustration while the tears finally escaped her eyes. The thought of dying by radiation poisoning scared her, she wasn't going to lie. But if that was the fate she was signing for 400 of her people, then she would take it with them.

 

Clarke looked to the side when she heard rustling from the couch. Bellamy was awake and making his way towards her. She already knew what he was going to say. "If I'm on that list, you're on that list."

 

"Bellamy, I can't." Her voice breaking on that last word. How did Bellamy even expect her to be inside Alpha station, to be a part of humanity's chance at survival? Wherever she went, death and destruction followed.

 

 _Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds._ How accurate.

 

"Write it down." He was looking her right in the eyes, only making this decision harder. "Write it down, or I will."

 

Clarke shook her head— she couldn't. She couldn't bring herself to do it. So she just sat there, slouching in defeat as Bellamy took the list and wrote down her name in all caps.

 

"So what now?" She asked, staring at her fate signed in Bellamy's bold handwriting.

 

"Now we put it away and hope we never have to use it again." She was looking up at him, wondering how in the world she was so lucky to have him by her side, to steady her.

 

"You still have hope?" She was beginning to lose hers.

 

"We're still breathing?" Bellamy said, offering her a sad smile. She suspected he was losing hope too but was putting on a facade for her sake. Clarke appreciated it.

 

She felt his hand on her shoulder, squeezing lightly, his attempt at comforting her. His presence alone was enough to comfort her, but she welcomed the warmth of physical contact. Craved it even. Just something to reassure her she's not alone in this. She closed her eyes, savoring the moment, and let her head fall into their joined hands. It was as if Bellamy knew exactly what she needed at any given time. Like they're so attuned to each other's need. _Together_. Almost like their souls were bonded...

 

"Get some sleep." Bellamy said, as if sensing the dangerous trail of her thoughts and wanting to stop them before things got too far. A part of her, the more selfish part, was disappointed. It was the middle of the apocalypse after all. And if their plan failed, she didn't want to die with any regrets. But she knew it was for the best, the last thing they needed in the middle of the apocalypse was an unpredictable change in their relationship. Better not to risk it.

 

So she looked up at him and nodded, removing her hand from atop his bigger one. Bellamy let it slip from her shoulder and gave her one last worrying look before making his way towards the door. Tears still burning in her eyes, Clarke watched him as he left, all the while wondering about what could've been, if only things were simpler.


End file.
